Uncover tactics for setting healthy boundaries with relatives as the holidays approach
The holiday season is here. Yay! Or nay? Sometimes the holidays bring mixed emotions- happiness, excitement, anger, depression, fatigue, concern, anxiety, etc.
Being around family can be hard as an adult. Especially if you will be going back to the home you lived in as a child and adolescent. Did you know that unhealed patterns re emerge in familiar places with familiar people? I.e you may fall back on adolescent ways of handling situations when you are back home and with family. This may not always be the most effective and healthy way of managing situations. I mean adolescents aren't known for their fully processed out responses, right?
Maybe you won't be visiting family this holiday season and are wanting to set firm boundaries to maintain that disconnect. Maybe you are celebrating with friends but still want to learn healthy and effective boundaries.
Regardless, boundaries are important and healthy for you and those around you. A healthy you can help create and facilitate healthy interactions with others. So let's talk about what that may look like:
1) Healthy boundaries start with self reflection. Identify where you become disregulated, anxious, angry, passive aggressive/aggressive, sharp or short tempered, or when you feel taken advantage of. All of these emotions are reactions to unhealthy boundaries.
2) Identify why you are allowing people to treat you in ways that create these reactions. Also, why do you react in the way you do? You have to learn the where and why of it all.
3) Identify how you can set firm expectations of what you will and will not tolerate in others, AND YOURSELF. Remember, boundaries are about self managing, not managing the behaviors of others. We cannot control the behaviors of others.
4) Set those exceptions in a safe, kind and direct way. Hold to those expectations, no exceptions!
Now, let's take a look at some examples. Sometimes we need something tangible to help us create our own boundaries. It can be hard to start from scratch.
"I notice I become angry when people bring up politics, religion, and heavy controversial topics at the dinner table. If this happens, I will excuse myself and go into another room"
You cannot set an expectation that no one will talk about these topics, because you can't control others. You can only control how you will respond.
"I notice I become anxious when people ask me about my personal life (relationship status, "When are you having a baby? questions, identity, job, etc). If these questions come up, I will either change the subject or state I'm not comfortable talking about those things."
You can't prevent topics from coming up, but you can manage how you respond to those questions.
"I notice I feel taken advantage of when others don't help me clean up after dinner. I can ask people to help me clean up, but also put measures in place to help the clean up process be easier on me."
Unfortunately, you can't always rely on others to engage their empathy and help clean. You can put in measures to help yourself- throw away plates and utensils, throw away table cloth to throw away after and catch all the mess during the party, etc. If this boundary doesn't help, you may look into not hosting in the future.
Those are a few examples to help you get started. Not sure if you noticed, but I changed my language from 'react' to 'respond'. Boundaries help you move from a place of reaction to response. Reaction is coming from trauma and an unhealed space. Response is coming from a healed space, where you can express your emotions in a safe and managed way.
I hope this helps you on your journey to wellness...
Yorumlar