It's hard enough to go through narcissistic abuse, where you feel crazy and can't quite believe what is happening to you. It doubles when those around you don't believe you either.
Have you ever told someone about your abuse and they didn't believe you? Did they take the side of the narcissist? Did they make you feel even more crazy?
Did you hear something like, "There's no way! He/She is so nice", "I've never experienced that with them", "Are you sure you didn't say/do anything to make them that way?", "Maybe you're over reacting. It doesn't seem that bad".
These responses are 'Secondary Gaslighting' and they often come from trusted loved ones, friends, neighbors, or anyone you felt close enough to disclose what was happening behind closed doors. The secondary coming from a second person outside of the relationship and secondary to the primary gaslighting from the narcissist. Secondary Gaslighting can leave a person feeling stuck in the relationship and/or actually stuck in the relationship.
Often we need help to leave relationships and turn to those around us. Whether we need physical help leaving, financial help or emotional support, not having a support system who believes the abuse makes everything SO MUCH HARDER.
Secondary Gaslighting is Traumatic. You finally feel 'brave' enough to tell others what has been happening to you. You finally have convinced yourself enough that you aren't actually crazy and these things ARE happening. Only to be met with disbelief or outright refusal. You are plunged into darkness, spiraling thoughts of "I must be crazy" or "I really have no one. Just like he/she said". You feel lost, isolated, scared and unsure what to do next.
I am here to tell you that you are NOT CRAZY, you are NOT MAKING IT UP, narcissistic abuse is insidious and so hard to describe. I refer describing it to like catching smoke, almost impossible. But that doesn't mean the smoke isn't there. You are deserving of a life without abuse and trauma. You deserve to be believed. Sometimes we have to understand that having another person believe us doesn't make the abuse true; it exists with or without others witnessing. You don't need to convince others what is already true. It just IS.
If you are currently in a narcissistic abuse relationship, you don't have to stay. You don't deserve abuse. You are not alone. There are people who 'get it' and won't gaslight your experience. Leaving isn't easy, but it's worth it. Don't expect to have everything together initially. Healing is a lengthy process and takes time; there are phases to healing that can't be rushed. You can get to the other side. You can do it- I promise you, you can.
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